June - 2 years and where is my 2 year old

The end of May has been hard and I expect to have an emotional June and July! It was the end of May 2 years ago that that my worst fears were confirmed. My dreams were shattered when we went in for an ultrasound and were told news that we could not have imagined. I had know for weeks that my little girl was not very active and had been to the hospital a number of times to be hooked up to a monitor and told - no she is moving enough and her heart rate was wonderful. I had convinced myself that I was just worrying too much as I tend to do anyway. I had a right to be worried. My little girl was not doing well and it was this time two years ago that we became frequent doctor office faces and were being told that our daughter would not survive to delivery. She did survive and our hope were so high- it had to all be a bad dream. I am sad to say that it was not a bad dream. We had the joy of having our daughter for on only 13 months. It will be a year July 2nd and it is so hard to wake up without her. It is so hard to get closer to June 9th (her birthday). I seem to see so many 2 year old health little girls with bows in their hair and my heart breaks. I should be playing with a sweet, beautiful little girl, but I am not an I just have to trust that God has a plan. I still have no doubt that he is Good and Wonderful. He has a great things planned, but I really wish there was a different path. As it gets warmer, the kids are outside playing and there is a set of twins that were born a week after Molly was. They are out with their dad and brothers almost every day playing in front of my house and I get tearful overtime I see them. It just reminds me of how big our girl should have been, how she should have been running around. It reminds me to pray, to ask for sanity and peace. I know that my little girl can see now, that she can run, that she is perfect in his arms and we will be together again, I just really miss her now.

Ok so much for the sadness and pity party. I try to limit my sad time - not always easy. We do have so much to be grateful for! Today is Brighton's last day of sixth grade! He has made all A's this year and seems to be doing really well, we also try to keep him very busy. He tells me every day that he is ready for August and can hardly wait for Brecken to arrive! He thinks that he will be able to care for him all on his own and will be a great babysitter. I know that he will be, but I did have to remind him that a great babysitter has to change diapers. He is not in favor of this so much, he just want to carry a baby around all day. He will be off the grandparent's tonight and then we have actives planned for the entire summer.

Kelly is doing pretty good. He has also been having a hard time the past few weeks. We show our sadness in such separate ways. I am up early in the morning not sleeping and go out for my walks and he can't go to sleep at night (which then keeps me up at times). He puts on a great face in public, and he isn't always tearful when he talks about her the way that I am, but in the quiet times his heart breaks. He also tries not to let me know how anxious that he is about this pregnancy, but can hardly wait to hear that we had another good ultrasound. I do wish that guys had more girl resources. I am so lucky to have friends that openly talk about this, boys don't do that so much and his best friend died just over a year ago also. I try to fill that void, Kelly is my best friend, but it is not the same as having a life long guy friend.

My husband does remain wonderful! He is so sweet and loving. He keeps buying me gifts and if I didn't know better, I would think that he was wanting something big for father's day. He doesn't, the truth is that he just worries about me as much as I worry about him and we both want the other to well taken care of.

OK - Baby news. We are now 30 weeks along. Had another great soon yesterday at the high risk ob office. Brecken is about 3lbs 1 oz and still a boy. We also have a c-section date scheduled for August 1, 2011!!! 8/1/11 will be a great birthday! We can all hardly wait for August. Kelly will be repainting what will eventually be his room this weekend (this is also hard to paint over the walls that were painted last for Molly, but it will also make it easier to go into that room I hope). I have my timeline set up for July and will start setting up the downstairs baby room next month (not too soon since it will mean that Brighton has to move back into his real room upstairs from the guest room that he loves downstairs by us). I continue to shop for boy clothes which is also a bit of therapy (I think still less than what I could spend going and talking to some professional, LOL).

Thank you all for your continued prayers! It is wonderful to have friends and family. We are blessed.
T