Thursday, December 22, 2011

Merry Christmas

Well, It is amazing to think that 2011 is almost go. It has been a much better year, filled with joy and yes still sorrow. I am so thankful for all of the blessings this year. Two wonderful sons and a great husband.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sweet 1 month old little boy

Brecken was 1 month old on Monday and was a healthy 9lbs 15 oz at his check up. It has been a delight to have a child that has not had to have surgery or see a number of specialist at this point in life. We are not getting much sleep, but I feel amazingly refreshed and grateful to have a healthy baby. No matter the bumps in the road, as long as he is doing well it is all ok. You would also think that with such a little butterball that he should be sleeping at night - and 3 nights in a row we did have 5 hour stretches, but he seems to be in a growth spurt again and his favorite thing to do is eat and he would like to do that all the time. Again - we should get sleep next year, so this is fine.

I also had my gallbladder out on Tuesday of this week. It is now Thursday and I feel much better than I did yesterday. It is a great time to start that serious diet!

Brighton has started school and says that he has the best schedule ever! He loves all his teachers so far and is looking forward most to skills for living. He will have a flour baby soon to take care of and I have told him he had better get an A on that one.

Kelly is still off work with paternity leave - Southwest is a great company! His benefits are so much better than mine. I do have to say that it is obvious that he is a bit bored.

Thank you all for all your prayers - this past month has been wonderful. It is still filled with so much mixed emotion, but he is such a gift of healing from above.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Our New Arrival

Welcome to the World Sweet Brecken. I have to admit that I have been very bad about posting updates. It is a bit late, but Brecken arrived on July 22, 2011! this was early but he has done very well! He is now at home and we are enjoying sleepless nights! We compare him to Molly so much - he is already donig so many things that she never did. We have shed a number of tears of joy and sadness also. He looks so much like she did, but is so different. I had forgotten how easy a healthy baby could be. I am just so thankful for the little things. To see how relaxed he is when he sleeps, to see a sweet smile and to have a baby that lifts his head. The small things that seemed so hard, they are so easy. He is a true gift of healing, no a replacement.

We love you Brecken and we miss you Molly! I have to believe that she is here with us, watching over her little brother also!

Friday, June 3, 2011

June - 2 years and where is my 2 year old

The end of May has been hard and I expect to have an emotional June and July! It was the end of May 2 years ago that that my worst fears were confirmed. My dreams were shattered when we went in for an ultrasound and were told news that we could not have imagined. I had know for weeks that my little girl was not very active and had been to the hospital a number of times to be hooked up to a monitor and told - no she is moving enough and her heart rate was wonderful. I had convinced myself that I was just worrying too much as I tend to do anyway. I had a right to be worried. My little girl was not doing well and it was this time two years ago that we became frequent doctor office faces and were being told that our daughter would not survive to delivery. She did survive and our hope were so high- it had to all be a bad dream. I am sad to say that it was not a bad dream. We had the joy of having our daughter for on only 13 months. It will be a year July 2nd and it is so hard to wake up without her. It is so hard to get closer to June 9th (her birthday). I seem to see so many 2 year old health little girls with bows in their hair and my heart breaks. I should be playing with a sweet, beautiful little girl, but I am not an I just have to trust that God has a plan. I still have no doubt that he is Good and Wonderful. He has a great things planned, but I really wish there was a different path. As it gets warmer, the kids are outside playing and there is a set of twins that were born a week after Molly was. They are out with their dad and brothers almost every day playing in front of my house and I get tearful overtime I see them. It just reminds me of how big our girl should have been, how she should have been running around. It reminds me to pray, to ask for sanity and peace. I know that my little girl can see now, that she can run, that she is perfect in his arms and we will be together again, I just really miss her now.

Ok so much for the sadness and pity party. I try to limit my sad time - not always easy. We do have so much to be grateful for! Today is Brighton's last day of sixth grade! He has made all A's this year and seems to be doing really well, we also try to keep him very busy. He tells me every day that he is ready for August and can hardly wait for Brecken to arrive! He thinks that he will be able to care for him all on his own and will be a great babysitter. I know that he will be, but I did have to remind him that a great babysitter has to change diapers. He is not in favor of this so much, he just want to carry a baby around all day. He will be off the grandparent's tonight and then we have actives planned for the entire summer.

Kelly is doing pretty good. He has also been having a hard time the past few weeks. We show our sadness in such separate ways. I am up early in the morning not sleeping and go out for my walks and he can't go to sleep at night (which then keeps me up at times). He puts on a great face in public, and he isn't always tearful when he talks about her the way that I am, but in the quiet times his heart breaks. He also tries not to let me know how anxious that he is about this pregnancy, but can hardly wait to hear that we had another good ultrasound. I do wish that guys had more girl resources. I am so lucky to have friends that openly talk about this, boys don't do that so much and his best friend died just over a year ago also. I try to fill that void, Kelly is my best friend, but it is not the same as having a life long guy friend.

My husband does remain wonderful! He is so sweet and loving. He keeps buying me gifts and if I didn't know better, I would think that he was wanting something big for father's day. He doesn't, the truth is that he just worries about me as much as I worry about him and we both want the other to well taken care of.

OK - Baby news. We are now 30 weeks along. Had another great soon yesterday at the high risk ob office. Brecken is about 3lbs 1 oz and still a boy. We also have a c-section date scheduled for August 1, 2011!!! 8/1/11 will be a great birthday! We can all hardly wait for August. Kelly will be repainting what will eventually be his room this weekend (this is also hard to paint over the walls that were painted last for Molly, but it will also make it easier to go into that room I hope). I have my timeline set up for July and will start setting up the downstairs baby room next month (not too soon since it will mean that Brighton has to move back into his real room upstairs from the guest room that he loves downstairs by us). I continue to shop for boy clothes which is also a bit of therapy (I think still less than what I could spend going and talking to some professional, LOL).

Thank you all for your continued prayers! It is wonderful to have friends and family. We are blessed.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Half Way Mark and ready for August

I can not believe that it is already the end of March! I am one year older, I am not sure any wiser, but for sure older. This last Thursday we had our 20 week ultrasound and all continues to look good (we have been going every 2 weeks for ultrasounds). We have known for about 5 weeks now that we are having a little boy. I still really miss my little girl and was hoping to have another sweet girl, but will be happy with a healthy boy. I hope that he is as fat and fun as his big brother was, with a loving spirit. I have also been doing some therapy shopping for blue items. My blood work also continues to look good - I have a Big E antibody with this pregnacy, which means they check titer levels every few weeks to watch the titer level and requent looks a baby to watch for signs of anemia. I just have to believe that it will all be fine and just gives us a reason to see this little boy all the time with ultrasounds (which does keep my stress level lower). God still has a twisted way of giving us what we need sometimes.

Yes, we do have a name also, at least the first name - Brecken. Brighton and I still like Andrew for the middle name, but Kelly is not sold yet.

As far as the other things in my life - my mother is doing well. My parents were just down in Dallas to visit us and for my mother to repeat her CT scans. She is now moved out to every 6 months for CT scan and still every 3 months for the MRI of her leg. She is still cancer free and doing well. My parents are getting ready to go on a 3 week cruise in April - they have to get traveling in prior to August.

Thank you all for all of the continued prayers. We know that it is the grace of God that helps us make it every day. I still cry most days, but I am so thankful for all the amazing friends that keep me strong and give me hope.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Life does go on, day by day

Well, we are starting a new journey. We are delighted and nervous about this trip, but know that God has a plan. We are now starting week 9 of a new pregnancy. I have to admit that I will be happy with any healthy baby, but I am really hopeful that we are blessed with a little girl. We ask for pleanty of prayers to protect this pregnacy and for the blessing of a healthy, no eventful pregancy. We will of course by having lots of extra monitoring, more frequent doctor visits, more blood test, more sonograms. I can't help but wonder what I could have done last time, if anything that would have made a difference with Molly. I wish that it was different. NO chances will be taken this time, but it does boil down to God being in control. Every child is such a miracle.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


We are looking forward to a new and hopefully better year. I have to say that the holidays have been hard. My mantle is missing a stocking and my heart still has a hole. I think that we have all done remarkably well considering how bad 2010 was, but there are some days that are still so hard. A few days before Christmas, one of our friends brought over an ornament that she had fininshed. It was an angel that was made from the Molly's footprint (taken the day before she passed away) It was fitting. I do have to believe that she is watching us from above.